My Arctic Adventure – the mental challenge

Remember when I wrote that I am mentally prepared but fear for my physical fitness? Well, I was not prepared for the two mental challenges my Arctic Adventure had in store for me.

Disclaimer: This post ist mostly therapeutic writing. It might be disheveled, complaining and slightly negative.

Mental Challenge One

The Monday before I left for my trip my husband got news from his accounting department that they need to check numbers quickly in order to figure out if they are already into bankruptcy and need to to file for it. This was obviously some very bad news. I left on Friday morning. He dropped me off at the airport. I cried. I felt guilty and helpless. Later that day he had a call with a financial advisor and she pretty much told him without going too deep into the numbers that she would file for bankruptcy.

When I left I felt really bad leaving the husband alone with all of this. We knew lots of decisions needed to be made in the upcoming week. And he usually talks stuff through with me. So the only thing I could offer was to call him every night when the tour guide turned on the starlink satellite and I had some connection. My initial plan was to stay off the internet for a week but obviously I screwed that plan.

So we talked for most the days on the phone, he kept me updated, I tried to listened and give advice when necessary. But it really was a struggle. I worried, I felt guilty, I was assuming the worst. The husband tried to not tell me things in order to have me enjoy the trip. But he was stressed, I could tell. He was having high blood pressure, bad sleep and all the stuff. This really occupied a lot of my mind and kept me from sleeping in the nights. Which would have made a lot easier.

And I couldn’t talk with anyone about it.No one in the group I felt like I could say anything too. Two of the guys happened to drop a potential inquiry at my husband’s company on Friday afternoon when I met them in Stockholm and we got to talk business. So obviously I wasn’t letting anything slip there. And they were friends with two others of the group. So I was on my own with all the thoughts.

I did a lot of silent crying at night and while I walked on this issue. If someone saw me they mostly assumed I was physically exhausted. Which I was at times but mainly I was not. Just worried.

On my flight back I had a heavy heart as well. The trip was over, I was glad to be on my way home but I knew I am flying into trying times.

Mental Challenge Two

The second challenge was a hard one on a personal level. I mentioned, that I feared I will be the weakest link in the group. I was. I never have been before. At least not for such a long duration. It really was hard on my ego and pride. But I think essentially that wasn’t the real mental challenge. That “weakest link” was just the catalyst for what came next.

After the first day of struggle the guide told me in the morning to move all my community stuff to other peoples pulkas. This did not feel great. I reluctantly did as I understood his intentions. This pattern kept repeating every morning until there was nothing left. During the day people helped me by pulling my pulka. Everything was done out of good will, team spirit and such. And yet I felt very bad.

It is really hard to put into words. I understood the intention that we needed to help each other out, that we as group needed to stay together somewhat and the gaps couldn’t be too long. I understood that we needed to make distances in certain amounts of time in order to not arrive in the dark, build the campsite, etc. All this on a logical level – totally understandable. Totally right callings from the guide.

But I felt like I was slowly but steadily loosing all my control, my free will. I was only functioning. I was being pushed around. I was being told what to do. I was robbed of the experience to really feel I had done my best – because I didn’t. That is the weirdest part – and I am sure everyone in the group would contradict this – but I rarely felt like I was physically exhausted and at my limits. No burning muscles, no fighting for air. Only maybe the last two days. And this was mainly because I was urged and pushed all the time. There were only very few moments on this trip I could do it in my own pace. And then it all felt rather easy. But the minute people stayed with me, urging me onward (with good intentions) I lost my flow, went faster, depleted my energy too fast, needed more breaks. And that then looked like I was breaking down. I knew my energy pretty well. I had trained that for a year to know how my body feels, how far I can push. But for the sake of the group I kept going, shut up and struggled on. Well, I did say something a few times. And at times I had the chance one more time to try something or bit more time to struggle through it. I also said it stresses me out immensely if all my stuff is with other people. That I do not have a jacket to put on when feeling cold, not have thermos at hand… They understood and said they will stay with me. They did. But still. I was dependent.

So it was a spiral. I was loosing my pulka weight until I didn’t pull a pulka at all for the last two days. At the beginning I tried to fight it, saying I want to do my part. After a few days I just resigned. Later I became defiant: Let them pull my shit while I enjoy a lighter day. In retrospective though, it was probably a right call because I am not sure I would have made it to the end if the load wasn’t distributed.

But still. In the moment it didn’t feel great. I heard things like: can’t we get a skidoo to bring Tobia back. Can we put her in a pulka and pull her, we would still be faster, etc. I was right there. This was very hurtful.
The guide later told me he wanted me to finish on my own. Not have a skidoo drive me home. I appreciate it. And he apparently read the situation correctly.

And another thing happened. Because of my physical inferiority I was also treaded like a lesser being in other areas. Maybe I am emotional about it – I definitely were since I was on a period. I was pushed around: one person saying we should set up sleeping arrangements. So I did as the first one because I knew I needed to get some rest. Only to be yelled at a minute later by the next (self proclaimed leader) what I was thinking and that we are not done with prep work. I snapped at this point. It wasn’t the first time I felt pushed. There were small little things that accumulated. Having dinner and I was the only one without a seat, everyone was praised at one point for contributing (cooking, campsite building, firewood getting) but me. I contributed every single day to campsite building and often hauled and sawed firewood. I tended the fire at nighttime because everyone was in bed and I still awake. Which can’t be said for every person in the group – everyone did something but some more than others. And yet, I felt non existent in the group. And it shows. There are no pictures of me made during the trip. Once person happened to snap a few group photos you can see me in. I think one person did a couple of shots when helping me along on a tough day – but I can not get hold of the images. But everyone else… no. I come with firewood while they film everything but look at me and turn off the camera. Getting in front of me to take a photo so I’m not in the shot. Small things like that. You dismiss as being sensitive but when they become a pattern it does something to your ego.

All this played very much into my insecurities. To my self-confidence. Something I have always struggled with despite what people think. And yes, you could say it is a me problem. Obviously it was. But still. It did not feel very good. I was the fifth wheel.

What will I take from this trip then

But was it all bad? Can I see some teachings here. Probably. And I am sure with some more time I can see them more clearly. For now:

• My fitness level is still crap. However I can’t compare my beginning to someone’s end. A year ago I would have not survived the first day. This, I can be proud of.
• I hate being bad at something. Being the weakest link. I knew that. It is a pattern in my life. But apparently I needed that teaching. Not sure why but I will eventually figure it out.
• I may not be striving in group settings anymore. I like my quiet time. While it wasn’t as draining as feared I do not do well with having my schedule continuously dictated by others. I knew it before but I wasn’t aware how much this weighted on my well being.
• I can step down from being a leader. I am often in group settings – mostly involunteeringly. This was an interesting experience I observed. Definitely a learning thing. It could have been a better experience through in a different group setting.
• I love skiing. Despite everyone thinking I hated it. I loved it. And I want to do it again. I already told the husband that I would like to do nordic skiing with him next winter. He immediately wanted to order rolling ski to train in summer. Ok, slow down.
• I still like the Arctic. I would do such a trip again – with some alterations. Next up South Pole?
• The husband and I are a team. Whatever comes our way we will figure it out. I strongly believe that if we stick together we can handle everything.

So how do I end this post. Maybe with questions.

Do you think it was a tough group constellation or am I too sensitive – be honest. Do you think I could have handled something differently?Are you surprised with anything? What would have been your breaking point? What did you assume I would struggle with? Do you have a similar experience you feel like sharing?