Since we know our time in this apartment has an expiration day my moods are tricky. I am grieving. And I am dancing closely with depression. I can feel it. Yesterday we were on our way to our friends house. The drive took 40 minutes and those minutes were 39 minutes too long to think. I grew quieter. I started feeling bad and when we parked I was crying. Everything just felt wrong. I felt we were making a mistake. But as the husband pointed out it’s not really a mistake WE are making since we are forced into decisions. It’s true. Yet, it feels wrong. I have a hard time with being told what to do, if I don’t have many options, when other people decide for myself.
Everyone wants to know how the situation is. And I appreciate the empathy and the support and all. But I feel like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to role play every scenario. All I want is to beam myself to a vacuum and shut it all off. Well, life doesn’t work like that. Logically, I understand it all. Logically, I know we are making the best decisions with the options we have. But emotionally I can not keep up. Phrases like “It will all play out.” ,”Who know what it’s good for.”, “It will be even better, just wait.” are all well meant and probably true. I know I will come out on the other end stronger. Know I am resilient. I and we have lived through worth things. And yet, here I am. Again writing about feelings. Again using this space for my venting. Again needing to air my thoughts.
Writing has always helped me sort my feelings. The same as making lists. And so here is another list. A list of things I want to do in this neighborhood. A farewell list.
- Spend a day (half a day, a few hours) working from the library.
- Tug book recommendations into library books.
- Take myself to lunch at this Ramen place I recently discovered.
- Take a boat tour – my moms birthday gift to show her our “new” neighborhood.
- Save as many too-good-to-go bags as is reasonable.
- Buy myself some jewelry in the thrift store as a souvenir from this year we spend here.
- Take a deep breath on the balcony and enjoy the view as often as possible, preferably daily.
- Photograph every sunset you get the chance too.
- Attend church service.
- Cash in my book voucher from the local shop.
I am not sure if this list will make it harder to leave. Will make me feel more depressed. But it could help me feel like I have done everything I wanted to do. Feel like I have made the most of the time I lived in this neighborhood.
Do you suffer from FOMO? Have you ever wanted to do something really bad and then not had the chance to do it and regretted it ever since?
2 comments
I think it’s really a hard time when your housing is flux even in the best of circumstances. It doesn’t sound like this IS the best of circumstances, so give yourself grace to feel your feelings, but also to have some hope that the next adventure will be just as wonderful! I hope that your list helps you to say goodbye to your current neighborhood and gives you some ideas for what to put on the list for your next place.
Thank you Engie.
I hope it will help. I have half a list I look forward to when this is behind me…